when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
