Jerry, you need to find god
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
