Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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