i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
