Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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