Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
