I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
