Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
They are going to name an STD after you.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
