I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
