Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
