i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
