it hurts more in the daytime
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
At least life still wants to fuck me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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