Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
