My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
