I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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