I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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