If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
