I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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