im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
