So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she woke up with a sticky ear
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
