he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
