so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
