i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
