mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
