Someone shit on the floor
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize