I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
