All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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