I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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