Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize