Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
