i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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