Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
