theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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