I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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