You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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