I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
