Joe is yelling at the trees again.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
