i just sent this text using only my big toe
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
