Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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