She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
