I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
