Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
