I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
