I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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