census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
they need to just BURY HIM!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
