you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
