Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
