I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize