Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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