And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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