Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
