I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
