He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
