i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize