Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
