I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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