u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
