like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
