u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We named our party play list daddy issues
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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