I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
