I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
